I Thought We Were Happy: How infidelity happens in a happy ...

?I liken an affair to the shattering of a Waterford crystal vase
You can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again.?
?John Gottman

There is an unspoken assumption that infidelity occurs when there is something fundamentally wrong in a relationship. When the relationship has turned sour. When it is full of criticism and contempt. When one?if not both?partners are unhappy. Or shut down. Or worse, bitter. When one partner feels that there is some missing piece in their life that they subsequently try to fill with relationships outside of it. Sex addiction. Bad character. Indifference. Fear of the ?C? word? Commitment. These are the things we think of when we think of relationships that end up in infidelity.

What about a relationship that seems perfectly happy?

First, we have to discuss this idea of ?perfectly happy.? Is it possible to be ?perfectly happy?? Given any decision to commit to one choice or another, we are making a choice against something else we might otherwise enjoy. The choice itself implies that we are leaving behind another choice.

We make a million choices a day. And most of them relatively minor. And temporary. The world isn?t going to turn on its axis if I choose pasta for dinner tonight over steak. This is not to say that I only want pasta for dinner for the rest of my life. It is a commitment to the pasta for tonight. After all, I can always have steak tomorrow night.

In a relationship, the commitment is, hopefully, a little more permanent, a little more salient. Making the decision to commit to a relationship doesn?t mean we sacrifice everything else. But by most definitions, it does limit some of our choices. At the very least (unless you?re a very open-minded and adventurous couple?and yes, they do exist), it is usually expected that you will limit your emotional and sexual choices. To one. Most partners aren?t comfortable sharing their partners. Most partners expect monogamy.

I guess that makes it the ?M? word? a close companion to the ?C? word.

What does it mean to be actively monogamous?

Monogamy isn?t just a promise. It?s an action. It?s something we do. We don?t always do it consciously, but we have made a decision, a choice, a commitment. And for the most part, we automatically stick to it.

For those of us who have gone through a ceremony of some sort, we have probably uttered something along the lines of, ?in good times and bad.? And usually, while we?re saying those words, we?re smack in the middle of ?good times.? So it seems fairly feasible, even easy, to make that commitment.

But life has a way of getting complicated, or disappointing, or dull. If we aren?t consciously focused on the relationship?if we aren?t actively participating in our commitment to each other?we leave ourselves vulnerable to emotional intrusion. And emotional intrusion can start very innocently. A little flirting at the office. A stealthy glance at your husband?s best friend who laughs at all your jokes. An online ?friend? who empathizes and understands you like no one else can. Before you know it, you?re siphoning more and more attention from your relationship into something that feels new and exciting.

Courting these kinds of seemingly innocuous relationships is dangerous. Falling in love with someone new?someone who hangs on your every word, says all the right things? is almost addictive. And these are the kinds of behaviors that lead to those lovey-dovey feelings. None of the realities of life have polluted the relationship yet. And that makes us feel powerful. We long to immerse ourselves in the attention and adoration we receive from someone new. And although that kind of intensity can never be sustained, but it sure feels good while it lasts.

It?s a slow drizzle.

Most of us don?t wake up every morning and think about our commitment to our partner. We don?t consciously tell ourselves, ?I will remain monogamous today.? Most of us are monogamous, and genuinely love and appreciate our partners. The neglect that a happy relationship suffers is a slow drizzle. It?s not abusive at all. There are no significant fights. There is no name calling. By any standards, this is a relationship based on genuine love and respect.

But then there is the routine. Work. Kids. Dinners. Sleepovers. Social engagements. Groceries. Health issues. Financial issues. In-laws. Upkeep on the house. The car. It all just takes over your life. You probably don?t even notice how you?ve come to take each other for granted. Maybe you?ve thought about it. But then you think, ?He knows how wonderful I think he is.? Or ?she knows how fabulous I know she is.? Date nights have become family nights. Or social nights. Sex has become part of the routine. It?s good, even great, but it?s predictable. You think, ?He knows I love him.? Or that she knows you love her. And maybe you even say it to each other often. ?I love you.? Every time you hang up the phone. Every time you head off to work. Every night when you go to bed. ?I love you.?

It?s nice. It?s comfortable. It?s loving and warm. And it?s all part of the routine. And that routine can lead to a very unintentional, inadvertent neglect. And neglect makes us vulnerable.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with routine. In fact, most of us need routine in our lives to keep us on track day to day. To reach our goals. To maintain our lifestyles. To make some sense of the chaos. And relationships absolutely need routine and consistency to help us feel safe and secure. To help us build a mutual trust. We need to be able to count on each other, and living in complete spontaneity isn?t practical. Even spontaneity gets boring after a while. Sometimes you just want to sit on the couch and watch TV.

Scene: Enter something new and shiny.

Remember the 1987 thriller, Fatal Attraction? The handsome Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) had a beautiful and loving wife. A wonderful family. An ideal lifestyle. His wife and daughter are out of town. He has a couple of glasses of wine. Meets the alluring and very captivating ?Alex,? (Glenn Close). And before you know it? well, you know the rest. Suffice to say, it goes very wrong.

The point is that the very attractive Dan, a man who outwardly had everything, was vulnerable to that spark that was Alex. His life was beautiful. He was a powerful and successful man. And in that moment, all the stars aligned in just such a way that he made a very bad decision. A decision that was in direct conflict with the decision he made to be committed to his wife. A wife he loved.

I?m not sure if Dan could have told us why he did it. Maybe he was compelled by the excitement. Maybe he was feeling old and tedious. Maybe Alex triggered some old familiar spark that he didn?t even realize he had been missing.

When we get comfortable in our routine, even if it?s a fabulous routine, we often don?t even notice that we have begun wading into murky waters. One thing leads to another that leads to another, and before we know it, we?re in over our heads. Just like Dan. One bad decision. We can?t take it back. And then there is a price to pay. A price we would never choose had we considered it before acting on it.

Defending your relationship from infidelity.

The bottom line is that if your relationship is your priority, it?s probably not going to be as vulnerable to infidelity. But given that life does what it does, how do we realistically stay actively committed to each other?

Most people think that being actively committed is too much work. People think it?s about dating and wooing and flowers and dinners. It?s expensive and it?s time-consuming.

Not necessary. And those aren?t the things that matter the most anyway. It?s about making connection with each other on a daily basis. And when it comes to connection, it?s the little things that make the biggest impact.

It?s best to start early in the relationship, but it?s never too late.

• Talk about your expectations about monogamy. You?d be surprised. You may not agree on what is fidelity and what is cheating. This is one of those ?need to know? moments.

• Make your relationship a priority. Practice appreciation. Practice surprising each other. Get creative. The lists of possibilities are endless (and fodder for a future article). But actively think about and do something simple and wonderful for each other. And do it daily.

• Have (and stick to) a no-secrets policy. If you?re saying or doing something with anyone (other than your therapist) that your partner can?t see or know, it isn?t in the best interest of your relationship. And it is probably leaving you or your partner vulnerable.

• Be aware of potential danger zones. Flirting. Emotional connections outside the relationship. Long separations. Discuss the things that feel threatening.

• Check in (often). How are we doing? How can we work better together? What do you need more of from me? How satisfied are you with our sex lives?

• Listen. If your partner is expressing to you that something is missing or doesn?t feel right, hear it. Don?t let your reactivity get in the way of a happy and secure relationship. You are the holder of each other?s heart. Be gentle.

No relationship is completely immune to potential infidelity. Learning to actively connect with your partner in small, but meaningful ways, will help insulate your relationship from emotional intrusion that could leave you vulnerable to infidelity.

About the author

Bobbi Jankovich is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Sherman Oaks, California. She focuses primarily on couples and individuals with particular emphasis on developing personal relationships with deeper connections and overcoming obstacles to living a whole life.

You can reach her at 818.321.3493 or through email at bobbi [at] bobbijankovich.com (replace [at] with @). For more information, check out her website at: http://www.bobbijankovich.com/

Related posts:

1. A Crack in the Foundation: The Effects of Infidelity on a Relationship

Source: http://infidelityinfo.com/how-infidelity-happens-in-a-happy-relationship/

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